Four Score and Nearly Ten Years Later

Brad and I were fortunate enough to be able to attend a TEAAM (Together Enhancing Autism Awareness in Mississippi) Autism Conference in Hattiesburg today. The last time we were able to come to TEAAM event we came to a family retreat shortly after Korban was diagnosed. I was pregnant with Selah at the time, and she turns 9 in a few weeks, so it’s been a little minute. 

That was the first major autism event we went to after his diagnosis and I remember what an impact it had on me. Reflecting on that has had me in my feelings a bit today. I remember being so relieved that other people were facing the same things we were, but at the same time my heart hurt that they were having struggles too. 

I had so many questions and so, so many fears. Mostly fear of the unknown. What would the future look like? Would Korban talk? How would he handle having a sister? Would he love her? Would she accept him? Would his meltdowns ever cease? On and on and on....so many questions, so little answers. I was honestly terrified. 

Roughly a decade later we have mostly settled into “our normal.” Most of those questions have been answered. He does talk, a lot. He screamed for about the first two weeks of Selah’s life but after that he decided we would keep her and now I think he’s decided it was his idea to get a sister in the first place. They love each other a great deal and have a very special relationship, even though they drive each other crazy sometimes. Selah is nurturing and accepting and is the perfect little person for our family. Eh, meltdowns we are still working on, but in the past year he’s been much less aggressive and I am so very thankful for that. 

I still have questions. Will he read? Will he be able to live independently? Does he know how much we love him and rest in that? Am I messing this whole parenting thing up? Will the aggression come back? Will he be able to make friends? Will these meltdowns EVER CEASE? But I can honestly say I’m not terrified like I was when we first started this journey. Maybe I’ve mellowed with time. Maybe Korban’s knocked off some of my rough edges. And maybe I’ve just seen that the future I was worried about back then looks like this: 

I promise you not all of my life looks like this. They don’t always get along and Korban still deals with many challenges and behavioral issues. But the good outweighs the bad by so much, and so many of the things I wasted my precious time worrying about never came to pass. How could I afford to be anything less than grateful?